TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120.


Dear Mr. Shlypdych,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.

We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.

Sincerely,

**** Burly, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.


P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump!
Don't be silly, protect your willie!
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker!
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!