You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change.

You call for a records check on anyone that is friendly toward you.

You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal.

You can identify a negative "tattoo to tooth" ratio just by looking at a person.

You correlate "two beers" with 0.15 BAC.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest.

You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here".

You refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer".

You believe that chocolate is a food group.

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick.

You have wanted to hold a seminar on "Suicide, getting it right the first time".

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid jury verdict.

You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably.

You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar.

You believe the dispatcher is possessed.

You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form.

You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables.

You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium saltlick.

You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions.

You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone.

You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car.

You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime .

You have to check to make sure your weapon is "ready to rock n' roll" before using a public restroom.

You read your wife the Miranda warning whenever she says "we need to talk".

You can tell the severity of an accident just by hearing the sirens.

You have co-workers that pay more in child support and alimony every month than you make in a year.